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Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Is it really almost summer?

Its been nearly TWO months since I've updated my blog - where did the time go?  If you've been wondering what I've been up to, I wish I had something more exciting to tell you, but its been mostly work and little play. And a ton of soul-searching. I'm offically half-way through my 29th year, heading down the hill to my 30th birthday, and I've taken some time (ok, a lot of time) to evaluate where I'm at and where I want to go. 

Its been almost a year since I added my part-time job to the hours I'm already putting in at PinkyCrafts, and I'm just not happy there anymore. I've had trouble admitting this to the general public, as I feel like I put myself in this position, its only part-time, some folks would be happy with any job, so I should just be happy with what I've got....but its not that simple.

I've spent hours and hours thinking about this and deciding what about it doesn't fit me anymore.  I took that job because I wanted something that was relatively low-key, compared to my previous career that I ran screaming from, the career that lead to my opening PinkyCrafts.  I had wanted little responsiblity, something with limited hours, something that I enjoyed.  While I definitely don't enjoy the job anymore, I've also been mulling over whether I really enjoy doing something that doesn't challenge me.  I purposely looked for a job that I was overqualified for, but I don't think its what I want anymore. I went to college, I had a really great career.  Where did it all go?  I remind myself that I chose to get off that train, so-to-speak, I didn't fall off of it.... but I still have a hard time digesting my new reality at times. While I don't necessarially want to go back to a full-time job, I can't help but wonder if that's what I really need.  I feel like I need more structure in my life, I feel like I need to do something routine again.  I don't feel confident with my role.  I feel like people say "Oh, she's not working - she's just doing her crafts.  They talk about wanting to buy a house and travel more, but she's not even working, so she can't complain!".  I know I can't control other people's thoughts, but I can't that their opinions still matter to me.

I feel like I'm totally lacking purpose in life right now - but isn't that why I started PinkyCrafts?  Isn't that giving me purpose?  I wanted to wake up and not have to go somewhere to work, but not having someplace to go makes me feel incredibly lazy on some days, like I have no purpose. I wonder if I'd feel differently if the profits from PinkyCrafts were enough to completely support us.  If PinkyCrafts was my only responsiblity, I could spend more time creating, listing and relisting (and also have no excuse not to work harder at taking off the 20 pounds I've gained since taking this job!), which would definitely boost sales.  Would that be enough?  I guess the only way to find out would be to quit the job immediately and see....a choice I'm chicken to make. 

I wonder though - is it that I'm lacking actual purpose in my professional life, or am I feeling a void now that I'm not making the substantial salary that I once was?  Or am I not feeling validated from other people? I honestly don't know.  I was the breadwinner, I resented it, did something about it, but now I'm not feeling ok with being a financial under-acheiver either.  I know I could make so much more if I went "back to work".  I'm so blessed to make any money selling my products - and even I'm surprised at how much I make every month, but its not quite enough.

Sigh.  Whatever it is that I'm feeling, its extremely frustrating.  

Here's what I do know:  my part-time job isn't me anymore, it doesn't fit. Besides being less than challening, I'm just too old for standing on my feet for an entire 10 hour shift without being allowed to sit down; I joke with my mom that I'll need my hips replaced by the time I'm 40, but I'm secretly wondering if its true! Part-time or not, the contstant standing isn't healthy. I definitely need to spend more time with my husband when he's off work, so working weekends needs to go. I'm also not interested in being at work at 6:45am, even if its not very often, and I especially hate it on the mornings where you didn't get off until 9pm the night before. Wow - putting down what I don't enjoy really puts this into perspective; why am I still there?  I do love my co-workers, and I suspect that's what keeps a lot of us hanging on. 

So now I've come to the conclusion that this job needs to go, but I can't even define what needs to replace it, so how can I move forward?  I have found a few positions that sound challenging and that require the experience that I have, and I've applied for those.  The problem is, all of those positions are full-time, so what will that mean for PinkyCrafts?   And after you've decided to make a change, how do you keep on and still maintain your sanity while you wait for the changes to come?  With all the negativity that is surrounding me in this job, is it really worth it to stay until I figure out what comes next? 

I haven't listed a whole lot of new product over the last few weeks, and I stopped the majority of my relisting to purposefully keep sales low (which is more evidence that strategic relisting does work, since sales do slow once you stop doing it!).   I've needed a break.  I've got too much going on inside my head right now.  I've just started up the process again, as I'm taking a much-needed vacation to Ft. Lauderdale with my mom and one of my girlfriends in a few weeks, and I'm planning on putting the shop on vacation mode while I'm gone. 

I've never been a terribly patient person.  I know that eventually everything works out, but its nearly impossible to wait for that day to come.  I wish that the simple act of devoting your time to thinking hard about your future would mean that the answers to your future would come to you.  Unfortunately, its just not that easy. 

Ok universe - if you're listening - I'm looking for answers. I need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I need to find a sense of peace in my daily world.  I need to figure this out soon, or else I'll lose my mind.  Thanks :)

See? This is what happens when you don't blog for a long time. I won't let it happen again!

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